Messy Mind
People always say getting better is easy when you’re not the one living in it. They say just stay busy, find hobbies, eat right, and everything will fall into place. But it doesn’t work like that for me. I can fill up every hour of my day and still end up lying awake for 48 hours straight because my mind won’t shut up. It just keeps going, like it has its own life and I’m stuck watching it.
They also say if you have goals, things will get better. That if you have something to live for, you’ll eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have goals. I know what I’m supposed to be working towards. I even have people who love me, people who actually care. But none of that switch anything off in my head. It doesn’t suddenly make things feel okay. And that makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
I know I’m not alone, I know I have support. But they’re not the problem. They never were. It’s me. Or at least it feels like it is, because no matter what I have, I still end up in the same place.
How do you have people who love you and still feel like you’re the one thing that doesn’t belong anywhere?
I try to remind myself that I should keep going for them, that I’m living for them. But even that doesn’t always work. Why do I choose to live, but not for myself? If I were living for myself, I would have been dead when I was 13.
It’s hard to explain how you can have a purpose in life and still feel like your mind is pulling you in the opposite direction. Like you’re split in two—one side trying to hold on to meaning, and the other side slowly letting go.
Almost 24/7 my mind keep making up these scenarios of me dying..
Do I feel guilty when I think about those scenarios? No, I don’t. I’m not sure why, but seeing myself in a messed-up situation, with blood everywhere and at the end of my last breath, with everything falling apart, feels kind of peaceful to me.
It feels peaceful to me because I don’t want people to waste their energy on me. I know how hard it is to live with or be friends with someone who actively wants to die. I just feel like if I’m gone, it would be less of a hassle for everyone.
I tried to believe that I will get better when I grow up, I’ve been cutting myself and overdosing since I was 13 until now. Does it get better like everyone says? No, not at all. I just getting good at faking being fine on the surface but deep down, I try to destroy myself daily.
This is what it feels like to live inside my head. And no matter how busy I try to be, or how many reasons I try to hold onto, it’s always there, waiting to for me to destroy me.
You might have more in common with my wife than you know. Her mind never slows down either, and it can get loud in there. One thing that’s helped her is learning to focus inward a little more, not on what everyone expects or says, but on what she actually wants. What brings even a small sense of relief or meaning. A lot of us end up living inside a version of life that was built for us by other people. It can feel suffocating after a while.
When your mind won’t shut off, fighting it doesn’t always work. Giving it something to do can help. Creating, anything at all, writing, drawing, building something, even small things, can give that energy somewhere to go. Sometimes that’s the only quiet you get, just being absorbed in something you made. And after that, even a few minutes of just sitting with it, letting your thoughts move without trying to control them, can take the edge off.
I used to have a really busy mind too. After a few strokes, it changed, and now it’s a lot quieter, sometimes almost too quiet. So I’ve seen both sides of it. Neither extreme is easy. But I’ve learned that the mind can shift, and things don’t stay locked the way they feel right now.
You don’t have to solve everything at once. Just start with one small thing that feels even slightly better, and build from there.
There's one thing left to fight, yourself. How can you win a the war? You can win battles. Battles come and go but the war of oneself is always the endgame. Is it your 100 year war? Deep thoughts, feelings, or reflections that everyone has to deal . I hope writing them down gives you relief and patience. Sometimes the auto-switch is on and repetition can strain us. Messy minds , broken minds, or sad minds keeps us in positions of doubt. Great piece. You're not the only one with mind issues. Thanks for the read. A Messy mind can be clean or the clutter can be organized. Enjoy the day is the only thing that could help.